


the seven ways i love you (and the seven ways it kills me)

by jenomeow



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Injury, Car Accidents, Enemies to Lovers, Hate to Love, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sick Character, Sickfic, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, but not really it's more haters to lovers tbh, but they don't die, constant risk of dying, they're very sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23456464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenomeow/pseuds/jenomeow
Summary: Every soulmate mark you have kills you a bit more. One mark means 10% of chances of dying. Ten and Kun have 7 marks.or: Ten and Kun have a high risk of dying any second, but that won’t stop them from making each other’s lives impossible.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 29
Kudos: 147





	the seven ways i love you (and the seven ways it kills me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bunnieju](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnieju/gifts).



> hi :D first of all, be mindful of the tags before reading!! i put everything you need to know there. also, i don't know that much about health and hospitals but this is FICTION. everything is too dramatic bc i needed that for the plot!! it's a false universe i make the rules >:)
> 
> 95 and 96 liners are the same age here bc fuck it
> 
> okay so. i want to thank jess bc she's my beta for this uwu she's really amazing, she's a lovely girl and i appreciate her a lot. thank you for your help bub, you did amazing!!
> 
> noa!!! hhhhhh you're the BEST you helped me a lot, specially with the last scenes of the fic!! without you idk what kind of end this would have ;_;
> 
> and now, bunnie. i love you a lot and you know it bub thanks for always being there ♡ i hope you have a really nice birthday, i always wish you the best !! i also hope you like this fic i wrote for you with all of my love uwu every word here was written thinking of you hehe. so yeah, i hope you like it!!
> 
> without anything else to say, please enjoy :]

**_Ten_ **

When Ten was born, the doctors told his mother he wouldn’t survive his first night.

When Ten was two months old and was rushed to the hospital because he was dying, the doctors told his parents he wouldn’t survive more than three days after that. They said the same when Ten was one year old, when he was two, three, four— they said that every year of Ten’s life. Every single time he was in the hospital, the doctors gave him a death sentence. 

As a kid, Ten didn’t understand why he needed to go to the hospital all the time. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t do certain things, why everything used to hurt sometimes. He didn’t understand why he felt that bad all the time. Not until his mother tried to explain it to him: “the hospitals are for people who are sick, Ten,” she said.

At the age of 10, he could understand he was sick, which was why he needed to go to the hospital, but he didn’t understand his illness. Sometimes the nurses told him his system couldn’t fight a bacteria, sometimes he heard the doctors talking among themselves about how Ten’s lungs collapsed once again, and sometimes his mother cried because her son’s liver stopped working. The thing that confused him was that parts of him were sick only from time to time: when he asked the nurses about his lungs the time after he was admitted because of them, they said his lungs were perfectly good, it was his brain this time. Then, the time after the brain, he asked, and the doctor said his brain was just fine, it was his liver. The next time it wasn’t his liver anymore, it was a bacteria in his kidney. It was never the same, and what wasn’t working once, started to do its job soon after. Little Ten’s mind didn’t understand.

Other thing he couldn’t comprehend was Kun. Kun was a kid Ten’s parents insisted over and over again he needed to befriend. That, Ten could understand, it was important to have friends… but why Kun? The other kid lived in China, not in Thailand like Ten. They didn’t even speak the same language, so their calls over the phone were really awkward and silent. Then, one day, Ten’s mother appeared in the living room where he was receiving his kidney treatment and made Ten’s first video call, in which he was able to see Kun for the first time; he was also in the living room with who seemed to be his own mother, but he, unlike Ten, couldn’t talk because the mask giving him oxygen didn’t permit him to do so.

Kun was very thin and the mask seemed a bit too big for his face. Even with the horrible connection and quality of the call, Ten could notice how hard was for Kun to breathe. Kun’s mother was talking in Thai with an accent, and Ten’s mother was doing her best with her basic knowledge of the Mandarin language, but Ten wasn’t listening to any of them, too focused on the other kid, who was also looking straight to him through the screen.

“Hello,” Ten said, one of the only words he could pronounce in Kun’s language.

Kun made a faint, soft noise, his breathing even heavier than before, as if even trying to mutter a single word was the hardest thing he ever did. Ten had to wear one of those weird, airy and hot masks a lot of times, and if Kun had the same problem Ten suffered ( _collapsed lungs,_ his doctor’s voice said in his mind), he could totally understand that trying to speak was really hard and painful.

Looking frustrated, Kun gave up with talking and decided to wave his hand slowly as a way of saying hi to Ten.

“Ten,” his mother called. He looked at her and she smiled, fond eyes on him and gentle hand caressing his hair. “He’s Kun, he’s your soulmate.”

“My soulmate,” Ten repeated.

“Yeah, here, show me your wrist.” Ten did as told, offering his right wrist, the one without the IV. There, weird scrawls were on his skin. It wasn’t like the ones his parents had, each others’ names in Thai. The things on his wrist didn’t make sense. “This is Kun’s name.”

“No, it’s not. Kun isn’t written like that.”

His mother chuckled, just like Kun’s mother on the screen.

“It’s in Mandarin, Kun’s language, that’s why you don’t understand. Kun also have yours, and it’s in Thai.”

That call didn’t do much to solve Ten’s questions, but it was alright, he wasn’t in a hurry to know, not until his first official class about soulmates in the school he went to.

The ways people were connected to their soulmates were called marks, soulmates marks. It could be something tangible, like a name on a wrist, or something intangible, like being able to feel the other’s pain. Every mark represented a 10% of chance of dying: it could be completely random, like having a sudden heart attack and be dead in less than three seconds, or it could be long and painful, like organs that stopped to work out of the blue, and bad immune systems. The more marks a person had, the more probable their death was.

That’s Ten first clear and nitid memory; not the long nights at the hospital, not his mother taking care of him, not his sister playing with him, not his father smiling happily at him. It was that moment: Ten sitting in his classroom, hearing his teacher tell them that, and thinking “oh, so basically, I’m dying because of Kun.”

Ten’s first memory he could actually recall perfectly was him, 7 years old, in his uniform, completely angry at the universe and at Kun.

…

**_Ten_ **

He wakes up and realizes the ceiling is way too bright. Ten doesn’t dare to move, knowing that he could be connected to machines and IVs through needles and cables. It hurt like hell when he did move and a gigantic needle was right in between his ribs, taking liquid out of his lungs. Oh, and he doesn’t want to even start talking about a recently placed feeding tube.

However, after a quick scan, he realizes he’s not connected to anything but a pretty normal, pretty common IV on his wrist. There are no machines making weird sounds or anything, so he feels relieved. It wasn’t that bad this time, after all. He probably just fainted because he was low on white blood cells or iron or whatever, he couldn’t care less why he was rushed to hospital for at this point in his life.

Taeyong, however, seemed to care a lot.

His friend is sitting next to him, watching him with worried eyes. Ten smiles at him, happy to see him.

“Hey, Yong. What a surprise to see you here,” he giggles. “What are the odds of me being rushed to the hospital you work at.”

“Ten, your blood is more water than anything right now, did you know that?” his friend scowls, ignoring Ten’s words.

He sighs, looking at the ceiling again. He loves Taeyong, but he worries way too much. Water as blood? Man, Ten had a heart transplant when he was 15, some useless blood wasn’t anything compared to that.

“I didn’t know, but I do now. Thank you for letting me know, Taeyong. You’re of so much help.”

“This is serious, you idiot!”

Ten sighs again, this time heavier.

“When can I go home?”

Taeyong seems to want to say more, but he ends up shaking his head and saying, “As soon as you finish the solution.”

After 45 minutes, Ten is ready to go, a large piece of gauze and some bandages wrapped around his arm, and medicine in his hand. His arm is numb, because when Taeyong took out the IV it started to bleed a lot, his skin ripped all the way to his elbow for no apparent reason and they had to call a doctor and another nurse. So now Ten has an injured arm, but it’s okay, he’s had worse.

The door opens and Ten’s housemate and close friend, Yuta, enters. Oh, the expression on Taeyong’s face. Yuta’s everything Taeyong can’t deal with: carefree, jobless, with a worrisome liking for alcohol, piercings and tattoos everywhere, crazy hair, even crazier clothes, a dangerous motorcycle, a way too bright smile and a passion for maths. He is Taeyong’s worst nightmare incarnated. And he’s here to pick up Ten and take him home.

On his motorcycle.

What a lovely evening Ten is having watching Taeyong have breakdown after breakdown, all of them with Ten as the protagonist.

“Hi, honey. Hey, Ten, how are you feeling? Ready to go home?” Yuta asks, walking past Ten and straight to Taeyong, smiling brightly to him. Taeyong scowls and moves to the side, where he can see Ten.

“If you’re asking Ten how does he feel you have to make eye contact with him, not me!”

Ten just chuckles, giving his bag of medicine to Yuta and ready to go.

“I was making eye contact with Ten!”

“No, you were literally standing in front of me!” Taeyong sighs, shaking his head. “Whatever, please tell me you came in a cab.”

Yuta laughs, throwing an arm over Ten’s shoulders.

“Of course not.”

“Ten can’t go home in that dangerous crap of yours—”

“It’s okay, Taeyong,” Ten assures. “It’s not the first time I’ve been on Yuta's motorcycle.”

“Am I the only one who sees the problem here? Ten, you just got discharged from the hospital!”

“I’ll make sure he’s fine, honey. Go make more patients feel better,” Yuta says, already walking with Ten out of the room.

Ten knows Taeyong cares, and he also knows Yuta is scared: he holds Ten’s bag with too much force, and even when he has a strong grip on Ten’s shoulder, he still is gentle and careful. So that’s why Ten’s acting as if nothing happened. He feels extremely tired and sore, but he won’t show it.

He’s grateful for Yuta, because he always treats him as if nothing happened, he doesn’t try to protect Ten to the point he starts to feel uncomfortable. Yuta doesn’t try to be too careful when touching Ten, as if he was going to break, so it’s not a surprise he’s picking Ten up on his motorcycle, but when they arrive at the parking lot, Yuta just stares at Ten for a few seconds before asking him if he really doesn’t want to take a cab back home.

Of course Ten doesn’t want to, so they go. However, Ten’s body is not very happy with the decision, as he feels a bit dizzy and ends up leaning on Yuta’s back, eyes closed and arms around the other’s waist. They aren’t going at a high speed, but maybe Ten really is weaker than expected after his quick visit to the hospital.

“You alright there, Ten?” Yuta asks over the sound of the wind and the traffic.

“Kun is making pasta,” he opts to say.

“He’s in a sour mood, I guess.”

Kun only makes pasta when he’s not having a good day, and Ten thinks it is funny because Kun prepares that food when he’s angry or worried, but it is delicious even with the lack of love.

Out of the seven marks Ten shares with Kun, maybe the least annoying one is the name on the wrist, but certainly the most interesting one is the flavor mark; whatever Kun eats, Ten can taste it and vice versa, so Ten always knows what Kun is making for dinner.

Johnny’s car is parked but he’s not home when Yuta and Ten enter the house, the only one there is Kun, who is done with the pasta. Yuta, always cheerful, goes straight to the kitchen, saying how hungry he is but also happy Kun cooked pasta. Ten, now alone near the front door, just leans on the closest wall and takes a shaking breath, holding his hurt arm close to his chest, closing his eyes for a second to try to recover his focus and get over the dizziness.

If he can be honest, it’s not even the fact that his blood is useless at the moment; it’s just been a long and hard week.

He opens his eyes and detaches himself from the wall, taking a few slow steps when he sees Kun sitting on one of the living room couches, watching Ten and his every move. Ten stares back, surprised, but none of them says or does anything, Yuta being the only one in the house making noise, talking and moving things around in the kitchen.

Kun looks at Ten’s arm and then slowly he starts to inspect him with his gaze. Ten isn’t sure what he’s trying to find or what is the purpose of basically examining him, but eventually Kun seems to get bored and goes back to scroll on his phone, ignoring Ten.

After that awkward moment, Ten decides it is enough of Kun’s weird personality and heads to his and Johnny’s room.

“You need to eat,” Kun tells him before he leaves, without looking at anything but his phone.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You just came from the hospital. You should eat something. And why do you have that bandage? I thought they said it was your blood.”

It’s then that Yuta decides to reappear, a plate full of pasta on his hands, and sits down next to Kun, watching them interact.

“Yeah, my blood is doing weird things again. Taeyong said it’s more water than actual blood, whatever that means.”

“That doesn’t explain the bandage.”

“When Taeyong tried to remove the IV my skin just… ripped. All the way to the elbow. No reason at all.”

Yuta drinks from Kun’s coke and Ten just wants to leave. It’s so fucking awkward when he and Kun talk.

“Ah, okay. Go eat something, Ten.”

“Yeah,” and he leaves.

It’s always the same when one of them comes back from the hospital. They ask the other about what put him in the hospital just because that’s the thing housemates do and then they don’t know how to end the conversation. Ten doubts Kun actually cares about his health at all, and to be honest, Ten doesn’t care about Kun’s health that much either.

He serves himself some pasta and stays in the kitchen. Johnny eventually arrives and asks about his little excursion, how he likes to call Ten’s and Kun’s hospital stays. Ten hears Yuta and Kun talk in the living room and he stays in the kitchen with Johnny, away enough from Kun.

…

The day Ten told his parents he was going to study in Korea was the day his parents decided it was the perfect moment for him and Kun to finally get over their stupid hatred, and with Kun’s mother’s help, they rented an apartment where their sons would live.

It was also the day Ten and Kun joined forces and did something together for the first and only time. The boys made their parents see that it was an awful idea to have them live together: their health was too fragile, too unpredictable. For all they knew, Kun and Ten could have a heart attack at the same time and it’d be over for the both of them without anyone to help them! It had happened before.

Their parents realized it was true, and just when Ten and Kun started to celebrate they wouldn’t have to live together, Kun’s mother informed them that they would be living together, but with two more people. It was such a good plan, she said. That’s how Ten and Kun found themselves being thrown to a big enough house near their campus, their belongings already there and an announcement that said they were looking for housemates on the Internet.

Three days after they moved, Yuta knocked on the door, all piercings, tattoos, bright smile, painted nails, bold eyeliner and leather jacket, a motorcycle parked where it could easily be seen from the front door where Ten and Kun were standing. Back then, Yuta’s hair was purple and short, very different from the red and long hair he has now.

“Hi, I’m Yuta! I study applied maths and I’m from Japan,” he introduced himself to the still astonished Ten and Kun. “I saw on the Internet that you’re looking for housemates, and I’m looking for a house, so I think this is a perfect match!”

Oh, Yuta was and continues to be the emo, bad boy vibes boyfriend Ten’s teenage self always dreamed of, with the wonderful plus of the maths Yuta loved so much. He wasn’t just handsome and owned a motorcycle, he was also smart. Numbers were never that sexy. Ten still feels things when he thinks about Yuta, leather jacket on, handsome face and even more handsome smirk, explaining the Cauchy-Goursat theorem to Ten.

Of course, Ten didn’t ask anything else and just accepted to have Yuta as their housemate. He’s not sure what happened after that because he was too busy staring at Yuta’s face to realize he and Kun were talking, probably about their living situation. Who cared? Not Ten, that was for sure.

Two weeks after Yuta came Johnny, and Ten’s really not sure what happened there; him and Kun were pretty much dying again so Yuta was the one who opened the door and talked with Johnny. The only other conscious person in the house besides Yuta was the nurse that took care of Ten and Kun. Ten remembers waking up with Yuta sitting by his side, telling him something about an American guy he explained their current health situation to and who promised to drop by again in one week. Yuta was doubtful of that and Ten, in his half awake and very feverish state, thought the same; only Yuta would want to deal with two weak and sickly housemates.

Surprise, surprise, Johnny did come back one week after.

That’s how those four ended up living together. Why is Ten remembering it? Oh, because in moments like this, he really needs to remind himself how much he loves Yuta and Johnny, and how grateful he is for having them in his life. Because he’s glad they’re there, in his life, even if that meant they made a mess and made Ten arrive late to everything.

“Are you going with Johnny or with me?” Yuta asks, still pantless and without a hurry in the world. Ten, sitting in the living room couch, ready to go, stares at him expressionlessly.

“I don’t fucking care. I’ll go with whoever is ready first.”

“That would be Kun,” Yuta laughs, going back to the bathroom.

That is the bad thing about not knowing how to drive: Ten needs to be taken by others to places. He could take a bus or a cab, but the thing is, it’s risky for him to use the bus; the amount of times he just faints without reason could surprise anyone. The cab is the other option he would rather to avoid if possible too, since it’s the same as the bus but with less people. Plus, it’s a waste of money when he has housemates who offer to take him wherever he needs; the bad side of that being that Johnny and Yuta don’t care about being on time. Ever.

He will never get over the fact that Kun never faints. It’s so unfair. Kun can do everyday stuff Ten can’t even think about, like driving. Just like everything regarding their health, the fact that Ten randomly faints doesn’t have an explanation, but whatever it is, Kun doesn’t have to suffer it.

Ten watches Kun start gathering his keys and wallet, backpack already hanging from his shoulder, and he starts to regret every time he called Kun a stupid and emotionless bag of shit. He’s sure Kun will spit on his face if he even dares to suggest getting in his car, but Yuta will easily need another 30 minutes to get ready and Johnny is getting up just now… and Ten’s lecture starts in 15 minutes…

“Hey, Kun,” he calls, showing his best smile. Kun looks at him with a bored expression.

“What.”

“Johnny still looks dead and Yuta doesn’t have pants on so, uh…”

Kun huffs, walking to the front door.

“Get in quickly before I regret it.”

Everyone in this world seems to be in love with Qian Kun. Ten gets it, okay, he does; Kun is handsome, kind, talented, smart, his smile is pretty. He’s everything anyone would ever want in a significant other. Sadly, to Ten, he’s nothing but a total douchebag, which Ten can understand, since he’s the same to Kun.

Sighing, he goes after Kun. The trip is awkward and by the time they’re in the campus’ parking lot, they fought at least three times and Ten gets out of the car shouting how stupid Kun is to him, to which Kun shows his middle finger.

Really, only Ten can be this fucking unlucky to be chained to Kun in seven different ways.

…

**_Kun_ **

If he has to be honest, he’s completely aware that hating Ten for something none of them has control over is stupid. That doesn’t prevent him from hating him, anyway.

Kun has known Ten for way too long, since they were kids, and it’s not even the tension so many soulmate marks puts on them, it’s just that they don’t get along by nature. Nothing that can be changed; Ten is too loud, too full of energy and without a filter. Ten is not afraid of being himself and show the world that. Ten shows and gives and never regrets. Kun is not like that; Kun gets scared too easily, he’s too silent to be noticed sometimes. Kun doesn’t show anything to the world, and he doesn’t want the world to turn their gaze to his direction. Kun is full of regrets, full of feelings he’ll never show, he’ll never give, and that’s how he spends his days; repressing himself.

Longing. Yearning. Craving.

One day Ten decided Kun was the cause of all of his problems and Kun realized Ten wasn’t the cause: Ten was the problem.

One day, Johnny dragged Kun from the hospital, pale, all skin and bones, and Ten was there waiting for him with Yuta. He remembers asking the doctors to let him go to his house to die peacefully. His mother wouldn’t make it on time anyway, so he wanted to go back to the soft comfort that the messy and noisy house gave him.

“He will survive,” Ten said.

He didn’t say it because it was what Yuta and Johnny, so scared, needed to hear. Ten said it with so much conviction, so much faith. He said it so sure it was just another obstacle that Kun started to believe it.

If he has to be honest, Ten has been there every second of Kun’s life, being a nuisance, being annoying, being constant.

Most of the days, Kun wish they weren’t in this fucked up situation where they could die any moment without warning. Most of the days, he just wants Ten to shut the fuck up already.

Most of the days Kun wants to be even as half as brave as Ten, and tell him how his whole world revolves around him.

Kun admits Ten is a nightmare all the time. Kun admits Ten makes him lose his cool and makes him angry like no one else. Kun admits Ten never stopped to be the most bothersome person in his life, and he also has to admit, Ten never stopped to be the reason Kun didn’t let himself just give up and rest forever in a hospital.

Is because of Ten that Kun is dying. Is because of Ten’s existence. Is because of Ten that Kun endures all the big, irritating mess his life is since the moment he was born.

**_Ten_ **

Ten never hated anyone, not really. Not even Kun. However, when they were 20, what he felt for Kun was something very close to hate, the closest he has ever been to that emotion.

He admits there are worse people than Kun, of course there are. Kun is not that bad most of the time. He’s actually nice… sometimes. Whatever, the point is that Kun is nice but Ten can’t help but to feel annoyed by the other. It’s their nature, their personalities.

Where Kun is collected and composed, Ten is a fucking mess. An ugly mess. Kun is patient and gentle. Ten wants everything quickly and most of the time he doesn’t stop to think about what he’s going to say or do, and that can hurt a lot of people.

When they were 20 they didn’t interact. They didn’t even look in the other’s direction. It was uncomfortable for Yuta and Johnny, poor guys, always in the middle of whatever Kun and Ten are up to.

It was tense back then, obviously. It was so weird in those months because even if he wants to, Ten can’t stop himself from reacting to whatever Kun’s doing that makes him angry; he has to shout at Kun, to curse at him, at least roll his eyes. Back then, Ten didn’t feel any urge to even look in the Kun’s direction.

Ten was completely indifferent to Kun, and the times he wasn’t were the times he remembered Kun existed and felt a deep hatred.

Okay, maybe he did hate Kun.

However, as their soulmates marks made them get angry and fight, they also made them realize they were being dumb. It was always like that, which pissed off Ten more.

One of their marks is the mark that allow them to share thoughts. They can’t read each other’s minds, but sometimes they could hear random thoughts. It was weird but they grew accustomed to it with the time.

It was on one Ten’s routinary hemodialysis, with the unpleasant addition of Kun. Usually, when they had to do that they never did it the same day. He didn’t know why but he was grateful for it. That wasn’t their luckiest day, though, as they had to sit side by side, waiting for the whole thing to finish.

The room Ten’s mother paid for, the one they had every checkup and dialysis or whatever they need, was comfortable. As comfortable as a room in a hospital can be. While the process was happening the nurses put calm music for them to listen, and most times Ten fell asleep. Not that time, not with Kun there.

 _“I’m sorry you have to go through this,”_ Kun thought.

They didn’t have any way to know if the other was listening to their thoughts, so Ten knew Kun wasn’t sure if he was listening or not. Neither of them showed any emotion on their faces, Ten didn’t react, Kun kept looking through the little window in the room. However, Ten knew Kun wanted him to listen, since he thought in Korean, the only language the both of them spoke fluently.

_“I wish we didn’t have to be in this situation… I wish that you didn’t have to be in this situation. It’s not your fault, just like it isn’t mine either but anyway, I’m sorry.”_

It amazed Ten how they could share thoughts, but what amazed him even more was that they could feel each other’s feelings and pain most of the time. Ten was feeling what Kun felt at that moment.

Distress. Affliction. Sadness.

Kun was completely honest with his thoughts, and his feelings couldn’t lie to Ten. Even when they fought, and even when there was something akin to hate, deep inside them they could feel there was also happiness.

_You suck so much, but we’re in this together… Even if we don’t like it, I’m glad it’s you._

Communication wasn’t their forte. Talking about those secretive little feelings and soft loud thoughts, that meant something Ten and Kun were scared of. They spent so much time pretending to hate each other, sometimes even achieving it, that the thought of changing their dynamics at that point scared them.

They were at risk of dying at any moment, which only served to made them even more reckless.

It wasn’t something he didn’t know before, what Ten realized at that moment. It was something he didn’t want to admit, yes, but for that time, since Kun was being honest, Ten allowed himself to sigh of relief: it was so stressful and mean, it was a joke of life to have them suffering like that, but at the very least, they weren’t alone. At the very least, Ten had Kun.

…

Ten and Kun have each other’s names tattooed on their wrists, but they also have marks that represent the other’s passion.

Kun’s mark is on his chest, near his heart. A mess of letters that tend to randomly change of color and form words; Ten’s biggest passion are words in any form. The words that exist in textbooks, the ones in poems, the ones in novels. The words one sing. Ten loves talking, reading, writing. He loves languages the most, that’s his favorite way to be in contact with words, learning their translations to other languages.

Kun once told Ten that the words are sometimes in English, sometimes in Mandarin, Korean, Thai. And that it’s always the thing that made Ten the happiest that day. He told him he sometimes had the Mandarin word for “dog” in pink, surrounded by other random letters that didn’t make any sense. _I once had “Taeyong” tattooed for two whole days, in bright green,_ Kun laughed and Ten smiled sheepishly.

Ten asked if it was common to have the names of the people in Ten’s life. Kun hummed, thinking, “Yeah, you have a lot of people who makes you happy. When we were younger it was your mother’s name, then it was Taeyong’s, and now it’s still Taeyong’s, but also Johnny’s and Yuta’s. Even that Renjun kid from next door has had his appearances.”

He didn’t ask, in part because it embarrassed him, but also because he already knew the answer: did Kun’s name appear too?

One look at Kun’s soft gaze right on him, fond smile on full display, and Ten knew Kun knew what he wanted (not really) to ask. Kun nodded, and without another word, he left.

Ten’s mark was on his hip, on the left side. Before they saw it, Johnny and Yuta used to try to guess what was the mark. Yuta was sure it was something biology related. Kun really loved biology. Johnny, however, thought Yuta was dumb, how could it be something like biology? It was obvious it was something like cooking; Kun was always the happiest when cooking.

It was a piano.

A little, black piano, surrounded by flowers of all kinds and colors, right on Ten’s hip.

The last time Kun played the piano was one year before he moved to Korea, and it wasn’t until he was 20 that he did so again, so for two years Yuta and Johnny didn’t know how much his housemate loved the instrument.

At 17, Kun’s bones started to suddenly break, too fragile to handle even his own weight. The illness that left him in bed for six months was controlled eventually, never leaving completely, but Kun still was too weak, pretty much like a doll made of glass, with bones that could support more than before, but that didn’t allow him to walk a lot, and that didn’t allow him to do so many things, including playing the piano; his fingers were too fragile, then too weak, and then too stiff.

The house had a piano since they bought it, but it was just there catching dust. Yuta had asked when he first arrived if someone knew how to play. Ten shrugged and said that Kun could, but didn’t give any more information, and Yuta, sensing it was a sensitive topic, decided to drop it and soon grew so accustomed to the house he forgot the piano was right there in the living room. Johnny tried to get rid of it a couple of times, saying it was stupid to have it if no one knew how to play, never bothering to ask first. Kun never said anything and Yuta just stared at Johnny with wide, surprised eyes. The third time Johnny said something about the piano Ten told him to shut up and leave the piano where it was, never giving details as to why they had it since they bought the house, but the heavy and stern glare he gave Johnny was enough to shut him up.

It was a day where Yuta was busy at college and Johnny only God knew where, with only Kun at home. They were 20 years old, in the middle of their phase of almost-hate. Ten arrived home and saw Kun sitting in front the piano, just staring at it, and for a moment, he forgot how pissed Kun made him feel.

“I think… I think my fingers are fine now,” Kun whispered, almost as if not wanting to scare the piano… _or himself_ , Ten thought.

“Yeah, I think they are. Your bones are strong now.”

“I haven’t played in three years.”

Ten’s backpack was left on one of the couches on his way to the piano. He sat right next to Kun and pressed a random key, the sound loud in the quiet of the house.

“I’m right here, Kun.”

In his mind, that was the right thing to say; Kun seemed so vulnerable, so scared, almost as if the piano was coming to life to stab him. Ten could feel how anxious, how nervous Kun was feeling.

The piano was Kun’s greatest passion, the thing that made him the happiest and that he enjoyed the most, and that he didn’t have the chance to play for years, all because of his health, and now that he could he was excited, of course, but also so, so scared to admit he had lost practice, to admit that he wasn’t as skilled as before on that thing he used to do the best.

And Ten was right there, to keep him company while he started the long and tiring trip that was going to be go back to his past skilled and almost professional self.

Kun didn’t play for hours and hours, his hands getting tired rather quickly. It was messy and didn’t sound good, but Kun’s smile was so bright Ten felt as if he had just came back from a concert, as if he had had the pleasure to listen to the best orchestra ever.

The next day Kun waited for Ten to arrive so he could play, and that was their routine for weeks. Even when they fought in the morning, in the afternoons they would sit side by side, not a single word spoken, only the sound of the piano.

When it was Ten’s 21st birthday, Kun played a piece he had never heard before. It was calm and soft, a melody that made him want to close his eyes and sigh, a melody that was a bit cold, that made him feel like he could smell the rain. It had moments where Ten felt a bit agitated, a bit out of breath, if he had to describe it someway, he would say it sounded exactly like Ten imagined Kun’s soul would sound.

When the other two habitants of the house went to sleep, Kun approached Ten in the hallway.

“I composed that song,” Kun told him.

“I thought so,” Ten smiled.

“It’s yours. It’s your song.” Kun reached to Ten and caressed his hair. Ten’s heart jumped weirdly and his breath caught in his throat. “Thank you for always being there.”

That was the thing: sometimes they almost hated each other. Most of the time they didn’t agree. 13 out of 24 hours were spent fighting. They lived in a constant shitty situation where their lives were at risk and that had them on edge, and yet, the only constant thing in their lives were each other.

They would never admit it, but they always, no matter what, would be there for the other.

…

**_Kun_ **

It’s not even that they could drop dead any second without warning. They have learned to live with that, somehow. What really bothers Kun is how suffocating, how _restricting_ it is to have that 70% extra.

Every mark is a 10% increase in chances of suddenly dying. Ten and Kun have 7 marks. It’s not just the random death, having 7 marks means 70% more chances of the worst case scenario in every scenario. It means 70% more probabilities of the worst happening: 70% more possibilities of catching a cold and developing it to the point where it could actually kill them. Every little thing that for others is uneventful irrelevant, for Ten and Kun it could mean their literal deaths, or in a milder case, immense pain.

Living is 70% more dangerous. _Everything_ is 70% more dangerous.

For Ten and Kun, it has always been like that, which makes them tend to forget not that everyone understood how difficult it is for them to get up in the mornings sometimes. Their friends sometimes don’t understand they can’t really go out and eat in a random restaurant, because that could cause them a very aggressive infection, or that they sometimes are just so tired, so pained that even opening their eyes is a difficult task.

Yuta is considerate, Johnny kind, and Taeyong just amazing, but Ten and Kun don’t actually expect them to understand. They are glad they don’t understand, because if they did, that would mean they are going through the same.

It's not that their organs fail, which is bad, but what makes them feel exhausted and sad, it's knowing that they’re 70% more fragile than the normal human, and knowing there’s nothing to do about it, what makes the feel helpless.

Normal people can go out and have dinner with friends without ending in the hospital. Is it a possibility for them to be food poisoned? Of course, but for Ten and Kun is not a possibility, is something that will happen.

If Kun had to explain their situation to someone that doesn't know anything about them, he’d use this words: they never in their whole lives have felt hope, they never allowed themselves to hope, and no one gave it to them either. They're just living with constant fear and no hope of things getting better because, chances are, they will get worse.

…

**_Ten_ **

He wakes up and he already knows that day won’t be his best day.

His body is all sore and his joints hurt, he feels dizzy and he almost goes back to bed, but he can’t allow to fail more classes only because he feels too tired… He could, actually. He has a permission from his doctor and everything, but he doesn’t want to, so he gets up and starts his morning routine.

Johnny’s in the kitchen making coffee, Yuta nowhere to be seen and Ten stops to think— it’s weird. It’s really weird that Johnny is ready to go out on time and Yuta is not even there, already on his way to school, probably. He starts to feel an abdominal cramp so he quickly forgets about his friends apparently deciding to be responsible adults and get up early.

Ten spends the day feeling uncomfortable. After a while the pain fades and he only feels it when he remembers Kun; it’s their mark of shared pain. Kun must be feeling really bad if his pain can reach Ten that strongly. Usually, they just feel a bit of pain that ends up fading away to an awkward sensation, like having a sticky and wet piece of paper on your neck. It doesn’t hurt but hell, it's annoying.

He goes back to the house and Kun is the only one there. He’s on his and Yuta’s shared room, wrapped in blankets and with a bottle of water on his bedside table. Ten’s sure he only left the bed once in the whole day and it was to get that bottle.

“You made me feel like shit all day,” Ten says as a greeting.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” Kun mumbles. Ten playfully scoffs and sits next to the cocoon Kun has become.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just woke up like this.”

“Hm.”

Well, that happens a lot, Ten can understand.

“I’ll make you some soup or something. Try not to die, babe.”

Kun tries to imitate Ten and scoff but the only thing he manages to utter is a whine that makes Ten laugh.

Ten spends the rest of the day with Kun, who is asleep most of the time. He does his homework on Yuta’s desk and he just makes sure Kun is not having a worse time. There’s not that much he can do, but he can at least be there everytime Kun wakes up, confused and with a high fever. _He’ll probably be alright by tomorrow morning,_ Ten reminds himself, _this kind of sudden pain doesn’t last for long._

Watching Kun sleep, Ten realizes he’s ready. It’s been so many years pretending to hate each other, he wants it to be over. When they were kids and couldn’t understand better it made sense to blame each other. When they were teenagers they understood but refused to acknowledge their mistake, too full of themselves to admit they were wrong. Now, as adults, they preferred to pretend everything was the same as before. Changing at this point would be tiring, awkward. They excused themselves saying it was the way things were supposed to be, with their too different personalities. Yet, in their act of indifference and hatred, they made slow progress, coming closer to the other, growing fond, learning to accept and forget and forgive.

Kun is kind, emotional, polite, smart, and he cared. He is talented, a lover of pastries and cute animals. He has an endless patience towards the world and Ten, specially Ten, who is impulsive and loud. Kun makes Ten happy, and even when they fight, Ten has to admit, there could be someone worse where Kun is, in the spot he has in Ten’s life, with a role as important as his. So Ten’s grateful it’s Kun the one he has to go through all that with.

There’s still so much to talk about and to solve, forgotten fights that left a sting but no scar to remember what that sting was for. They made progress and they would continue to do so, but for now, Ten was content with the resolution to stop pretending.

  
  


_Now, just a little more_

_Only just a little more_

_Let's stay here a little longer now_

_Now, just a little more_

_Only just a little more_

_Let's stick together just a little bit longer_

  
  


Someone is talking. It sounds like an echo, it sounds distant. It sounds distressed.

Is it Taeyong? What is he doing here? Johnny, Kun and him are coming back home after a really long day where they stayed at their campus’ library till the night. Yuta is waiting for them to have dinner.

He opens his eyes just a bit; the light is too bright and his eyelids too heavy. He wants to open them more to see better, but they don’t seem to do what Ten wants— Oh, well, he can’t see very well, everything a blur, but he’s sure that it’s the nice nurse that always accompanies him when he’s getting his blood tested in the hospital’s lab. She’s Taeyong’s friend, they work in the same station.

Ten is not really sure, but she seems agitated, her breath quick, as if she’s running. Then he realizes she’s running and he’s laying down, with her by his side. It amazes him how her hair is still in place. Nayeon looks down to him and gives him a little smile.

“You’ll be fine, honey. We got you.”

His head hurts a lot, and a sudden image appears on his mind: the green light, Johnny smiling behind the wheel, Kun sitting on the passenger’s seat, and then a car crashed against Kun’s side in the loudest sound Ten had ever heard and that made his head thump when he remembered it.

“Kun. John,” he manages, with raspy and shaking voice that took way too much effort from him to utter.

Nayeon’s smile doesn’t even falter, but she looks away, never stopping running with the team that rushes Ten through the emergency room, and that only makes it worse.

“You’ll be alright, Ten.”

Yuta is gonna be so mad he didn’t get his dinner on time.

...

He keeps hearing distant voices and he doesn’t know if it’s in his dreams or if it’s people talking to him in his hospital room.

Ten doesn’t even try to open his eyes. He doesn’t bother to try to feel his body, to know if he’s fine, if he’s complete, if he’s out of risk. In the state he’s at, the easiest and only thing he wants to do is sleep, so he sleeps. He sleeps and sleeps and doesn’t open his eyes, doesn’t think, doesn’t try to do anything at all, not even show signs that he’s alive, he knows the machines that make weird noises can take care of it. Ten doesn’t need to get up to go to the bathroom, he doesn’t need to eat. He feels too heavy, he doesn’t think he’s in pain, but he doesn’t try to investigate further on that matter, wanting it to be over either way, and the best form to achieve it, according to his experience, is resting, sleeping.

When he finally opens his eyes, he has enough strength and metal stability not to feel like he’s fucking dying, and not to have a breakdown over what happened. He sure as hell wants to cry a bit and he isn’t sure what he is feeling, but this is the way his whole life has been: waking up at a hospital not knowing what is happening nor what will happen, scared to find out what failed in him that time. Now, at least, he knows it wasn’t his body randomly failing. That doesn’t make him want to discover what were the repercussions the crash had on his body, though.

It’s the usual hospital room he’s always thrown in, he’s connected to all kind of machines through cables and has one arm pretty much like a strainer with all the IVs poking through his skin to provide him with solutions and even blood.

He lays down for what feels like a long time, until a nurse enters the room and, surprised, calls a doctor and another nurse, and the three of them start to do things on the machines and check on Ten's body. They ask him some things, but his brain is still a bit slow, so he just says "I'm fine. Where are Johnny and Kun."

No one answers his question, opting to explain to him that he was in a car crash, not that bad for him but with his weak body he almost died and had to go through surgery and was unconscious for two weeks.

"You seem to be as good as you can possibly be right now, though," a nurse tells him, smiling. He looks at her for a moment, trying to remember if he has met her before.

"What happened to the friends that were with me in the car?" he asks again once he's alone with the doctor, a serious man that's too busy writing down things to even look at Ten.

"Mr. Seo is fine. He had a broken rib and arm but we took care of it and he is just bruised and with the needed casts now. He keeps coming to the hospital regularly to get a checkup; he's recovering fast."

"And Kun?"

The doctor tells him about the medical procedures they put Kun through, but Ten understands only the basics.

While the man is talking, Ten understands why the doctor refuses to look at him: it's hard to tell someone their soulmate is dying.

Throughout his life, Ten has had his fair share of moments like this, and every time the doctors don't know how exactly tell him about Kun's health, forgetting that Ten can sense it. He doesn't need anyone to tell him Kun is in a really bad state, he can feel it. There isn't any pain that comes from Kun, and there isn't any emotion. He's barely there, Ten can barely feel him at all and that is worse than feeling his pain or sadness.

Pain and sadness mean life. Only someone who is alive can feel. So when Ten hardly feels something from Kun's side of their soul bond, it's then that he gets worried.

"We don't know what will happen to him. We— we are trying, for sure, but every time we fix something, three other things fail," the doctor says, his hands holding the piece of paper and pen he was using to write before. "His health is not the best, his condition really critical. When you get a bit better, we'll take you to see him, sir."

_We'll take you to say goodbye._

Oh, Kun.

…

Ten would like to think that this is just another rough day. Rough week. Rough month? Well, just another time they're fighting for their lives in a hospital, like they've been doing all the time since they were born.

They're not strangers to this.

Ten is a stranger to this sensation, though.

Even when the medical staff think Kun won't make it, even when his heart stops and hardly starts to work again, even when he goes from surgery to surgery and his blood gets pretty much completely replaced, Ten knows he will go back home walking on his own eventually. It could take months— it once took him a whole year, but Kun would always be alright.

It's like Kun himself sends signals to Ten when the worst case scenario is happening and the doctors have only bad news: a flash of pain, a flash of warmth, a flash of fear. He feels Kun is there, fighting, doing his best, trying. This time, there's nothing. Nothing at all. If Ten doesn't concentrate and focus enough, he doesn't feel Kun's life force, and that's the scariest thing he has ever felt.

This time is different, he realizes. This time he doesn't know what will happen. This time he doesn't have anything to assure him everything will be alright eventually.

Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope is the thing Kun and Ten never allowed themselves to feel, to host in their hearts. They made a silent promise, but he has to admit, he broke that promise a very long time ago, the first time he was mature enough to understand that the fact that Kun was in the hospital meant bad things. He continued to break his promise every time they were in a situation like this, and he got accustomed to it.

Now that Ten doesn't have any hope, now that said feeling is long gone, he admits he's scared.

It's difficult to breath, he feels hot and his vision is blurry, his chest hurts and the world is spinning and moving wildly. It feels like an earthquake but it's only him shaking in a way almost violent, crying and having an anxiety attack, one too aggressive to know how to deal with.

The sounds that come from the machines start to go quicker, louder, indicating something is wrong with Ten, and the noise only makes it worse, flashes of the times he heard that before fainting going through his mind. He's scared, he wants to go home and never go back to the hospital, he's done with that.

He wants Kun to be alright.

Nurses rush to his room, saying things he doesn't understand. He's so tired.

His hands are wet and his arms sting. Ten looks down and only sees red.

"He pulled the IVs out!"

Why isn't anyone he knows there? Where's Yuta? Is Johnny really fine? And Taeyong? Where's Taeyong?

He doesn't calm down, but he starts to feel too sleepy, too tired to do anything but breathe. Ah, he hates sedatives.

A last whine leaves his lips before everything goes finally quiet and black.

…

He spends a few days in a state where he’s conscious enough to know what’s happening but with enough remains of sedative in his veins to not care. When he finally stops hurting himself and having breakdown over breakdown, his nurse tells him he can see his family and friends.

Ten doesn’t want to see anyone, so he asks to be taken to the hospital’s garden. The nurse looks surprised to hear that, but agrees and soon Ten is sitting on wheelchair in the garden.

It’s an open and big space with some trees and a lot of plants everywhere. Some benches around the place and the only others there are old people also on wheelchairs or walking very slowly with their nurses helping them.

Ten’s nurse, Yukhei, is there in the garden, but he sits in a bench close enough to hear if Ten calls him but not exactly with him, to give him time to enjoy the nice weather by himself.

A smiling boy approaches Ten. He’s using crutches and a nurse is walking beside him with the IV. The boy sits in the bench next to Ten and the nurse smiles at them before going to sit with Yukhei.

“Hello, I’m Donghyuck!” the boy introduces himself. “As you can see, everyone here is old and boring, and you don’t seem to be exactly my age but you’re the closest so it’s okay.”

“I’m Ten,” he says, chuckling. Donghyuck’s eyes shine and he also laughs.

Donghyuck is someone who likes to talk, Ten soon finds out. What a lucky thing he also likes to talk. They stay there chatting among themselves about the things they do in their normal lives, complaining about the tasteless food they get in the hospital and eventually they talk about soulmates.

“I shouldn’t stay at the hospital but since I have four marks the doctors are worried about me,” Donghyuck sulks.

“Ah, four marks? No doubt I pretty much live here, with seven marks,” Ten jokes and Donghyuck stares at him with wide eyes and open mouth.

“Seven!?”

“Yep.”

“How are you still alive?”

Ten sighs, shrugging. “Pure luck, I guess.”

…

Every day Ten isn’t allowed to visit Kun, he draws a little heart on the palm of his hand. One of their marks is the one that makes everything one draws on their skin appear on the other’s.

So Ten draws little hearts Kun won’t see but that he hopes that make him feel accompanied.

Eventually, Kun’s health is as stable as possible and he can have visitors for a few minutes. One person at the time. Ten is brought there and in the hallway there are quite some people: his friends and his family, Kun’s mother is also there. It’s only been a day since Ten was allowed to receive visits of his own but he specified he didn’t want to see anyone.

He doesn’t look at anyone, just letting Yukhei take him there with Kun. Ten knows his mother must be trying not to cry; he saw himself in a mirror and the only way he could be described is a bruised, broken mess.

Yukhei leaves Ten at Kun’s bedside and goes to wait for him outside. The room has big windows from where everything on the outside can be seen, but at least no one seems to dare to look in their direction, giving Ten privacy.

Kun looks, for a lack of a better word, like a corpse. There are so many cables and IVs Ten almost thinks he can’t see Kun’s skin. He’s pale and his bruises aren’t fading quickly enough.

Before he continues staring, Ten takes a deep breath. Enough for that day.

He reaches out and caresses Kun’s hair, light brown but with a black lock, just in the same shade of color as Ten’s. That’s another mark, the one in which they have a lock of hair of the other’s hair color. It is more fun when Ten or Kun have a different color other than brown or black.

“Don’t be like this, you idiot,” Ten whispers. “Even when your lungs stopped working you didn’t die. Will you let a car crash take you? If I had known it was this easy to get rid of you I…”

Kun’s hand is cold and his life force so weak Ten can barely manage to feel it.

Ten won’t cry. Ten won’t cry because even if they pretend that they don’t, their family and friends are watching. Ten won’t cry because crying means it is affecting him and it is but—

“Just get better soon, Kun, please.”

…

Kun isn’t getting any better.

Ten spends his days with his friends when they go to visit him, with his family, visiting Kun and in the garden with Donghyuck.

He got to meet Hyuck’s soulmate, Jaemin. He’s a nice and funny guy, that made Ten laugh so much one of his ribs literally broke. Oh, poor Jaemin’s face when he went to visit Ten the next day, he was so sorry. Ten comforted him telling him it wasn’t even the first time it happened.

Those two make Ten’s days a little better when his friends and family aren’t there to distract him. He can’t leave the hospital because even if he doesn’t feel that bad, he’s not completely fine either, proof of that his easily broken ribs.

His ribs heal eventually, but a bit before that, Yuta goes to visit him. They sit side by side on Ten’s bed for hours. Yuta makes sure Ten is updated to what is happening in everyone’s lives and Ten tells him about Donghyuck and Jaemin. When Yuta has to leave, he holds Ten’s hand and looks at him directly in the eyes.

“I know right now it may not seem like it, but you still have so many things to fight for,” Yuta says.

“Yuta, I’m not giving up on life—”

Yuta shakes his head, giving a light squeeze to his hand.

“Even if you walk out this hospital alone, that doesn’t mean you lost your reason to be alive.”

Ten swallows, understanding what Yuta is implying: even if Kun dies and Ten doesn’t, Ten still has so many things to live for. Losing Kun doesn’t mean he will lose everything.

“That… would make me insanely sad,” Ten admits, and it feels bad and good at the same time. Acknowledging what this situation makes him feel makes everything more real, more painful. He doesn’t have the option to feign ignorance, but it also lifts a weight from his shoulders because it’s been so many days Ten kept his feelings locked up that it started to hurt.

“I’d feel the same,” Yuta recognizes, with tears about to go down his cheeks, but also a smile that makes Ten realize yeah, he’d be losing, but there are things that will remain the same. People who will remain the same.

“Yuta, if he dies… What do I do if he dies?” he asks, desperate, anxious, allowing all those emotions he kept away to overflow.

“You get sad. You cry. You have a very rough time. And then you keep living, Ten. It’ll be like losing a limb; it won’t grow again, and it will take time to adjust, but you’ll manage. You’ll learn.”

“I don’t want to,” Ten admits and finally, after days and days, he lets the first tear to drop, soon followed by a lot more. Yuta forgets he was about to leave and hugs Ten tightly.

“Don’t let your sadness take the best of you, baby,” Yuta mumbles. “You’ll be alright. You still have us. You still have yourself, Ten, that’s the most important thing.”

…

The next day Donghyuck dies and Kun has a relapse.

It’s becoming harder for Ten not to let sadness get the best of him.

…

No one is allowed to see Kun for a while, only through the windows of his room. Ten went to see Jaemin before going to Kun. The boy was completely wrecked.

He’s sitting in his wheelchair when things start to go to hell.

The machines connected to Kun start doing alarming and loud sounds, nurses and doctors literally run to his room and soon it is filled with people making more noise. A special team for cardiac failures enters the room and it gets more chaotic.

Yukhei takes Ten away not soon enough for him to not hear them yell at each other that the patient isn’t responding, but soon enough not to see them do all kind of things to Kun’s body.

If not even Jaemin and Donghyuck could make it with only four marks, what made him think they could with seven?

...

Days go by and Ten is allowed to see Kun once.

Yukhei didn’t say it, but Ten understood what it was for.

He sat next to Kun for two minutes, holding his hand tighter in the last thirty seconds before Yukhei took him back to his own room.

Ten didn’t dare to say goodbye.

…

“You are awfully quiet today,” Taeyong tells him.

Ten doesn’t look at him.

“Yukhei told me you haven’t said a word in two whole days, Ten. That’s a weird thing for you to do.”

More minutes and more silence. Taeyong kisses his forehead before leaving.

“You may want to be alone, Chittaphon,” he starts. “By now you should know that will never happen, dummy. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  
  


_Flapping the wings we were given_

_Let’s promise to never stop flying_

_We’re not alone_

_I have only one wish: your happiness_

  
  


Yukhei is standing next to him, busy with one of the machines. Ten lays down there, until the nurse realizes he woke up.

“Hey, buddy,” Yukhei greets, as cheerful as always. “You finally awake? You slept a lot more than usual.”

Ten stares at him and Yukhei chuckles.

“It’s well past eleven,” he tells Ten.

No one says anything, but Ten considers letting Yukhei know he feels something weird in his chest. Something warm and that make him want to stand. It starts to get uncomfortable, but Yukhei speaks before.

“If you promise to eat your breakfast when we get back, I’ll take you to see Kun.”

Ten gives him a bad glare; no one but selected doctors and nurses can see Kun, he won’t be fooled.

“He woke up half an hour ago. His doctor says he’s definitely not alright but… For you, all the medical staff can pretend we didn’t see you in his room.”

That sensation in his chest. It wasn’t Ten getting sick. It was Kun. It was Kun’s life force.

Yukhei is almost running through the hallways with Ten’s wheelchair, and Ten is starting to get dizzy, but he doesn’t say anything because he’s the one who wants to arrive there as quick as possible. An older nurse tells them to stop running, but Yukhei tells her it’s important and that they’re not running— Ten is not even standing.

A doctor opens the door of the room for them and Kun is right there, as thin as the last time, as sickly looking as the last time, an oxygen mask on his face but he still breathes heavily. His eyes are open and lucid, awake. He doesn’t seem to be disoriented or confused.

Kun spots Ten and even in that situation, in that place, in his condition, he smiles. A bright, warm and beautiful smile.

Ten takes a deep breath and he wants to say something. Anything. He wants to make sure it is real, he wants to make sure Kun really is awake. But he only feels his lips tremble and then he’s bawling, crying like he has never done before, with sobs that are so painful it feel like they come from his soul.

He expected to cry like this at Kun’s funeral, not in front of Kun when he woke up.

Kun can’t speak at that moment, but he doesn’t need to— Ten can feel it.

Happiness. Relief. Love.

 _It’ll be alright,_ Ten tells himself. _It will._

…

“That accident was something impactful on your lives. It is impossible to predict what will happen to you two from now on, I’m sorry. We could do a blood test today and tomorrow again and get different results. We can’t know how you will react to medicines and treatments, much less illnesses.”

“So,” Ten says. “To summarize, that accident fucked up us so much we are out of control? Our health is even worse than before?”

“That’s right, sir.”

“Let’s say it was 70% before. How much now?”

The doctor looks at them for a few seconds, before sighing, “I’d say at least 85%.”

…

They leave the hospital after what feels like too many months, when it was only four.

“That’s four months too long,” Johnny would say.

Since they went back home Johnny, Yuta and Taeyong make sure they’re never alone, too scared they could drop dead any second without anyone there to help them.

“That doesn’t make sense,” Ten argues. “If we’re dead how could you help us?”

It’s eight pm and Johnny is taking a bath, Yuta at the convenience store. Kun is sitting in front of his piano and Ten sits next to him.

Kun still looks like a corpse, but a bit more alive, with more color in his skin and not as thin.

Ten smiles and Kun returns the smile. He isn’t playing, with both hands bandaged, but he still has them resting on the keys. Ten imitates him and puts his hands over the piano keys, and they listen the faint murmur of Johnny’s voice happily singing in the shower.

“We almost died,” Ten says, slowly. “This time it was really close. I couldn’t even feel you. That was the scariest thing ever, you have no idea, and now we… the risk is higher. 85% of chances of everything going wrong and…”

He won’t be that person. Ten won’t be that person who dies with regrets, with words he never said. If he has to die suddenly, he wants to do it with the mental peace that will give him just talk now.

Kun almost died. Ten almost died and now even if they pretended, things weren’t the same. Their families are moving to Seoul in a few weeks, his friends are over them all the time, and their days are counted. No one has to tell them to know that.

And Ten won’t die with regrets. He won’t die pretending.

“Can we stop pretending? We may die any second and I don't want us to live what could be our last moments like this, restricting ourselves from what we deserve and want because, fuck, Kun, I want to stop this. I want to hold you and I want to be happy and I-I want—”

Kun inclines and kisses him. They stay still for a while but soon they move their lips and end up smiling and giggling.

Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what Ten wants.

**Author's Note:**

> lyrics i used:  
> michishirube by minori chihara, nandemonaiya by RADWIMPS
> 
> how was it? :D
> 
> thank you for reading ♡
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/jenosglow)


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